She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
