I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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