Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
