I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
