hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
