So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
