I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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