there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
