you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
