even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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