the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
