I got chris browned last night
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
