my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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