I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
