Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
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