had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
