Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
