my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
then he tried to convert me to islam
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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