My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
