Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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