i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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