I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
