I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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