You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
