oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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