I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
