Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
