Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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