i think my tv is drunk
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
