Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
