I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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