I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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