Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
