Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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