I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
