Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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