Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
