This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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