I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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