I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
