plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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