The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
