Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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