last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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