party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
