cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
