I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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