i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The Olympian is in my bed
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
