What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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