I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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