shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
